Scream Free

I'm determined to have a "Scream Free" day today.

This is a picture Aaron took of me a couple of years ago for a book he made for Christmas.  It was set up, but very realistic.

I think I've read a half dozen parenting books in my life and darn it, I can't say I'm a better parent for it.  This book in particular teaches you that you need to keep your cool or you lose all respect from your kids and you just compound the problem. I read the whole book and although I believe it whole-heartedly I still can't seem to keep my cool.  Yesterday was one of the worst days I think because I saw Brooke even getting in on the action. She made a little boy cry that I was tending because she threw a car at his ear at close range. Later on she was hitting all of the kids.  Although Christian's battle wounds from the other day-scratches on his neck and leg and a bump on his forehead- were still fresh, it didn't prevent him from stirring up a bunch of trouble with his sisters.  I just felt so hopeless.

This is a stark contrast to how I felt one day last week when everything went right. The kids kept busy doing homework and cleaning. Christian out of the blue volunteered  to vacuum the basement and clean the living room.  When he is in the mood he is such a good worker! Lindsey and I had fun working on a school project. Emma was playing the piano.  The difference that day was that I was consciously trying to see the good. I was looking for all the good things they were doing and I was amazed by it.  When my head hit the pillow that night I felt like I had the best kids in the world. My whole perspective had changed.

Why can't everyday be like that? What was different about that day? Did my behavior change because I was seeing the good and therefor their behavior changed?  I spent a couple more days looking for the positive, but it just didn't seem the same.

It's like the fog that has settled over us outside has also settled on us inside and we all can't see our way out.   It's the middle of the night right now. I slept good for five hours and then a lie wide awake and couldn't sleep because I couldn't stop thinking about this. So here I am.

Although I'm in a thick fog I know the way out.  I know that if I just follow the Savior, if I just listen and do things the way He would do them then it will all work out. But, that is so much easier said than done.  It really takes a lot of humility, patience, and deliberate effort to do that. And sometimes I just don't want to try that hard.

This sounds like such a downer.  And I'm determined to look on the bright side so I'll leave you with a cute picture of Lindsey reading to Brooke.

Good night! Hopefully I can get back to sleep.